My cousin has turned into this psychotic, enraged potty-mouth lunatic over the past month and and a half. I haven’t been able to have one single conversation with her where she was dropping the F-bomb at least 3 times in every sentence. And it’s not like she is casually using the F word….she has been using phrases like, “SHUT YO’ MOTHA’ F’ING MOUTH BIOTCH!” and “YEAH MOTHA’ FUCKA’!” It’s as if she becomes fluent in Ebonics and forgets how to talk like a normal, educated and civilized human being. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel either with my mouth but mine tends to get better over the years where as hers seems to be having a reverse effect. I’ve tried counseling her through this to see where the source of this horrible language is coming from but there doesn’t seem to be one. It’s just the gangsta side coming out from within the depths of her soul. Maybe this is her true side and we are all going to have to learn to accept her…. bad mouth and all.
Cousin….I think I found your perfect match!! I can only imagine the great conversations the 2 of you could have! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So this morning I woke up, not only WAYYYY too early but also to the most horrific screeches of a Hawk-Mockingbird-Cardinal-Flamingo-Quail-Dove-Chickadee-Mallard Woman named Amy. It sounded as though she had been shot down & speared by a man-bear-hunter-pig in the woods. Not only was she crying because she was sleepy & cranky, but she was also so delusional that she actually believed she was a damn bird! Lying in her nest, or as us humans call it…… her bed, she began screaming, squawking & literally crying, “I don’t want to wakkkkeeeee up!”…. “I’m crankyyyyy!”…. “I’m a birdyyyyyyy and I need my nest!” Minding my own business, just listening to the madness and laughing like a hyena, I had to stop, drop and roll across the room to avoid almost being decapitated by the throw pillow that this crazy bird woman chucked from her bedroom out into the living room, like a bat out of hell. Thank sweet baby Jesus above, this birdy passed back out, after I shot a round of tranq darts into her neck. A few hours later, she awoke as a normal, human girl again!!! I never want to meet this frightening & horrendous creature known as the Hawk-Mockingbird-Cardinal-Flamingo-Quail-Dove-Chickadee-Mallard Woman EVERRRR again!!!! She’s mean, she’s scary, and she doesn’t mess around!!!
So as part of my Cousin Love Florida Extravaganza, we went to Disney World. Our first stop of the day was Hollywood Studios so we went straight to the Tower of Terrors. It was about a half hour wait and while standing there I had to deal with a melodramatic, lunatic, very confused, and panic stricken cousin who was (no joke) planning her funeral and looking up where we could find the nearest automated external defibrillator so we could restart her heart after the ride. After about 20 minutes of an intense therapy session, I really believed that I had her convinced she would make it out alive and to finally shut the hell up! She was so convinced everything would be just fine that she actually started giving out free motivational speeches and pep talks to all the small children near us that were scared. I had to hear things like, “Just do it kids…all the other kids at school will think you are so cool”….”If I’m going to do it you have to do it too”…. “All the girls a
t school will want to date you.” Finally after 30 minutes of pure hellish torture, it was finally our turn.
