My cousin has turned into this psychotic, enraged potty-mouth lunatic over the past month and and a half. I haven’t been able to have one single conversation with her where she was dropping the F-bomb at least 3 times in every sentence. And it’s not like she is casually using the F word….she has been using phrases like, “SHUT YO’ MOTHA’ F’ING MOUTH BIOTCH!” and “YEAH MOTHA’ FUCKA’!” It’s as if she becomes fluent in Ebonics and forgets how to talk like a normal, educated and civilized human being. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel either with my mouth but mine tends to get better over the years where as hers seems to be having a reverse effect. I’ve tried counseling her through this to see where the source of this horrible language is coming from but there doesn’t seem to be one. It’s just the gangsta side coming out from within the depths of her soul. Maybe this is her true side and we are all going to have to learn to accept her…. bad mouth and all.
Cousin….I think I found your perfect match!! I can only imagine the great conversations the 2 of you could have! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I absolutely love Moe’s but I didn’t know that it was the breeding ground for complete weirdoes. My cousin and I went there for lunch and ended up having to put our sunglasses on to keep from giving dumb looks to all the idiots that were in there. There was one girl who apparently got confused on what the difference was between a restaurant and her bedroom because she didn’t order any lunch, sat down in a booth and then kept nodding off and would wake-up right before bashing her head on the table. What the hell was that about?
I have never in my life met another human being who is so easily distracted by and interested in other peoples outfits, hairdos, mannerisms, and just anything in general. If you are interested in having a heart to heart or actual conversation with Amy, than my suggestion to you is to not take her out of the small confinement of your home, bedroom or bomb shelter….with no TV on, the blinds must be shut and maybe even consider removing all photographs from your walls, coffee tables and entertainment centers. She enters some sort of “zone” where she is in a comatose state of mind, she cannot speak, breathe, move or even blink. There is no expression on her face, she loses all functions of her body and sometimes she even drools. The only possible way of getting her back to the real world and out of Amy Looker-Watcher Land is by pimp-slapping her half way across the room and maybe if it’s really extreme, pouring hot acid on her. I can’t even tell you how many times I was mid-breath, mid-sentence or mid-story that I would have to stop and quiz her on what I was just talking about…because Jessie Spano walked by with a 1986 bouffant that would make The Flock of Seagulls embarrassed or puff-a-lump strolled past in a mini skirt & halter top that showed every crease and crevice of her bodice. I just hope and pray that there is some sort of rehab or meetings for people with this problem.
So am I extremely sarcastic. I exaggerate every situation & story I tell because honestly, I think it makes things even funnier that way. I say off the wall, ridiculous things that would make even the best comedians belly laugh. I’m not going to lie; some may say I’m a comedic genius hahaha. Something that my cousin has known about me for 26 years now!!! If I have a headache, I will say that it’s so bad that I want to decapitate myself. If my back hurts, I tell people I have spina bifida. If my tooth hurts, I say that I’m going to give myself a root canal. Ok, so I think you get the point.
So this morning I woke up, not only WAYYYY too early but also to the most horrific screeches of a Hawk-Mockingbird-Cardinal-Flamingo-Quail-Dove-Chickadee-Mallard Woman named Amy. It sounded as though she had been shot down & speared by a man-bear-hunter-pig in the woods. Not only was she crying because she was sleepy & cranky, but she was also so delusional that she actually believed she was a damn bird! Lying in her nest, or as us humans call it…… her bed, she began screaming, squawking & literally crying, “I don’t want to wakkkkeeeee up!”…. “I’m crankyyyyy!”…. “I’m a birdyyyyyyy and I need my nest!” Minding my own business, just listening to the madness and laughing like a hyena, I had to stop, drop and roll across the room to avoid almost being decapitated by the throw pillow that this crazy bird woman chucked from her bedroom out into the living room, like a bat out of hell. Thank sweet baby Jesus above, this birdy passed back out, after I shot a round of tranq darts into her neck. A few hours later, she awoke as a normal, human girl again!!! I never want to meet this frightening & horrendous creature known as the Hawk-Mockingbird-Cardinal-Flamingo-Quail-Dove-Chickadee-Mallard Woman EVERRRR again!!!! She’s mean, she’s scary, and she doesn’t mess around!!!
Uncle Fester approached us in an abrupt manner against our wishes. He flung his clam hands on each of our backs as he exclaimed, “You’re both soooooooo beautiful!” He ranted on about Johnny Walker’s house party as if he were the captain of the football team and we were back in our junior year in high school and the party was going to be the highlight of our diaries. Ummm… FYI, you are not the captain and my panties will not be dropped without my permission and definitely not for some STUPID house party. You were in fact doing okay as you had no lame pick-up lines until your “brother” walked up and busted my right ear drum. He screeched like a little boy in his awkward stage of puberty and I had to spend the rest of the night making sure there was no blood oozing out of my right ear. He could seriously ruin any type of game you “might” have going. He is a horrible side-kick and should be hog-tied and kept in the trunk of the car until a DD is needed. Telling people he is your real brother is a bad idea because he makes you look like an asshole and society as a whole will eventually choose to ban you and refuse to accept you into the human race.
So as part of my Cousin Love Florida Extravaganza, we went to Disney World. Our first stop of the day was Hollywood Studios so we went straight to the Tower of Terrors. It was about a half hour wait and while standing there I had to deal with a melodramatic, lunatic, very confused, and panic stricken cousin who was (no joke) planning her funeral and looking up where we could find the nearest automated external defibrillator so we could restart her heart after the ride. After about 20 minutes of an intense therapy session, I really believed that I had her convinced she would make it out alive and to finally shut the hell up! She was so convinced everything would be just fine that she actually started giving out free motivational speeches and pep talks to all the small children near us that were scared. I had to hear things like, “Just do it kids…all the other kids at school will think you are so cool”….”If I’m going to do it you have to do it too”…. “All the girls a
t school will want to date you.” Finally after 30 minutes of pure hellish torture, it was finally our turn.
My cousin is coming down in exactly 3 weeks and I can’t wait. She is going to be here for 8 days that will be spent in complete ROCKSTAR mode. I plan on treating her like a total tourist for a couple of days and I hope that she blacks-out the rest of her trip. We need to party old school like when we flattened bushes into pancakes, peed in the street outside of our house, creeping through backyards to leave funny notes on people’s back doors to have their parent’s find them instead and watching people slip under cars after 27 shots of Sambuca.
