Archive for category My Life

Farmers and Fishers Restaurant in DC sucks!!

May 16

Posted by Walkerton in My Life, People I Come Across, What Are People Thinking?! | No Comments

I just experienced the worst service in a restaurant than I ever have in my entire life. I can’t express how much our server sucked a ball sack!! When we first sat down at the table, it took the guy a good 5 minutes just to come to our table and get a drink order.  Everyone ordered waters except for me who was in dire need of a cosmopolitan…. Go figure?! Now the server warned me that the drink would take a long time to get since apparently there was a high demand for alcohol by every single person in that damn restaurant. When he said that, I agreed because I was thinking 10 minutes tops. Who the hell was I kidding? It was 22 minutes before I got the damn thing. If I knew that the dining experience was only going to go downhill from there, I would have ordered another one ASAP. O wait, I couldn’t do that because our server NEVER came back to our table after taking our order.

We ordered these chocolate covered bacon lollipops that someone else delivered. When I finally got my drink, someone else had delivered it. When our entrees arrived, someone else delivered those as well. Now I have no problem with someone else delivering my shit because I’ve only worked in the restaurant/bar business and know that when something is up and ready to go to a table, the first person available takes it, but we NEVER saw our server again!!! He NEVER checked to see if we liked our appetizer, he NEVER checked to see if I got my drink, he NEVER got us any refills, he NEVER checked on us to see if our meals were OK….NOTHING!!!!! Did I express yet how much he sucked?

Now we could see our server and understood that he had other tables, bu tlet me repeat, he NEVER acknowledged us after taking our order. He was checking on his other tables, pre-bussing them, getting them refills and more drinks from the bar, even the table he had right next to ours but I followed his eyes every move he made and NOT ONCE did he look our way. He was the absolute worst server ever!!!

I finally flagged a manager over and asked if he could get us a box and our check as I proceeded to tell him that our server hasn’t been to our table in over a half hour but the only response I got was, “Oh, ok. I’ll get that for you.” Ummmmm, hello fucker?! As a manager you’d think he’d be at the very least apologetic if not offer a free dessert but we got no reaction out of this guy after our complaints. He acted as if I said nothing, boxed the food, got the check, ran the credit card, dropped it off and walked away. We didn’t get a” Thank you for coming,” “Sorry for the bad service”, a “Kiss my ass,” NOTHING! After my boyfriend’s mom cashed out and wrote something on the credit card slip about what happened, the server THEN decides to come to our table and say, “I’m sorry I got really busy there.” Irrate as all hell, I turned to this freckled, bald headedMr. Clean looking mother fucker and said, “THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR HELP!!” I then stood up and walked out. I have no tolerance for bad service let alone rudeness from a server…. Especially when I do the same shit for a living.

What I found out 5 minutes later when my boyfriend and his parents decided tofinally walk out, the server snatched the credit card book out of my boyfriend’s mom’s hands and walked away. He’s lucky I wasn’t in there to see that happen because I would have caused a scene that probably would have ended really badly.  How dare he have the audacity to think he has the right to be upset with my statement when he ruined our entire dining experience.  All I’m gonna say is that he’s lucky I’m just visiting or my inner Detroit would have came out and whooped dat’ ass!

FYI, the restaurant was Farmers and Fishers, located at 3000 K St NW # 101, Washington, DC 20007. Don’t ever go here!! They suck!!!!

Tags:

I Miss My Grams

May 4

Posted by Walkerton in My Life | No Comments

I’ve been really busy these past couple of months on top of dealing with the loss of my Grams. Granted I’ve been down in Florida and she was up in Michigan, but not a day went by that I wasn’t worried and stressed out at the thought of the pain and suffering she was going through. She was always on my mind.

My Grams is indescribable as there are not enough words to showcase her incredibleness. No matter who she encountered she welcomed them with open arms and always left a lasting impression. She was always comforting and could put anyone at ease; even in the worst circumstances. With a simple back rub and her gentle hands tickling your arm, every problem seemed to subside. She was the grandma everyone wanted but only 12 of us were lucky enough to call her Grandma, Grams, Granny, or Nana. She tried her hardest to be a comedic genius but only succeeded about 50% of the time; one of my favorite things about her. She was always concerned with us being polite and using our manners and even when we didn’t want to, she still made us. Thanks Grams :) She was a clean freak, a quality I LOVE that I got from her. She had a scary mascara face that used to terrify Cara and I when we were little nuggets but makes us laugh to this day every time we think about it. She was a beautiful writer. She had a purse that weighed about 50 lbs. She was a horrible cook but still made sure that all the goodies and baked goods were stocked and are bellies were always full. She was a shopaholic who was constantly returning what she bought the next day because she would change her mind. She was a dog lover. She was a horrible driver. She had more baby pictures in her wallet than I had people in my senior class. She could get a stain out of any type of clothing and could get her whites whiter than anyone. She was easy to talk to even though she would act shocked at what came out of your mouth. She had a horrible voice but I still liked it when she sang. She was the best grams and I miss her.

My Papa and Grams have been in my every prayer and now those prayers go out to my Papa. My grandparents had been together for 52 years, never left each other’s side and now my poor Papa is without the only woman he ever loved, my wonderful and amazing Grams. I can only imagine the emptiness he now feels. It kills me to think of the moments he will face when no one is there by his side, even if it’s only for 10 minutes. It breaks my heart to think that when he goes to sleep, he’s reaching out for my Grams because he forgets she is not there anymore. It breaks my heart to think that when he goes to get his morning coffee, he will still get 2 by mistake instead of just 1. It breaks my heart to think that he will sit on the porch during the beautiful spring and summer months, see something that fills him with joy and when he turns to share that joy with my Grams, she’s not going to be there. I know my Papa will go on because he is the heart and soul of the family but it breaks my heart that he is probably slowly dying of a broken heart and it won’t be long before we lose him too.

Tags: ,

Scary, Drunk Lady

Jan 26

Posted by Walkerton in Facts, My Life, work | No Comments

I have this 50+ year old lady that comes into my bar looking for the quickest way to get drunk before her shift. She is a mess. She has her bouffant all ratted up and intact as a result of her using half a can of Aqua Net a day, her frosted lipstick and make-up goop in the corner of her eyes. She could be mistaken for a trashier version of Cruella Deville. I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I see her. You can tell she’s been a server her whole life and never had any ambition to do anything else. I’ve never seen this woman sober and doubt that she ever has been. She’s old and wrinkled and reeks of a wet ashtray/nursing home.

The worst part about her is that she’s famous for dropping that line, “Oh I’ll take care of you sweetie.” That is a bartender’s nightmare because you know that means that you’re not getting shit for a tip from them. It’s even funnier to me because they truly think they are hooking you up and it’s not even 10%. If you think that’s good then you are obviously doing something wrong because that sucks a donkey’s crooked ball sack!! I’m going to allow my Habeeb cousin to bitch slap this woman with his D if they ever cross paths!!

Tags: ,

Nipple Extentions

Jan 8

Posted by Walkerton in My Life, People I Come Across | 2 Comments

Mikey and I went down to the beach Monday night thinking that we were going to have a relaxing night out; very mellow with a couple of cocktails. Little did we know that they were throwing a benefit that night to raise money for breast cancer. We walked in only to find that it was poppin’ at The Cottage. They had 3 different bands playing, a raffle that was going on and all sorts of different people were there. As we walked around to feel the place out and decide what kind of mood we were in and whether we needed liquor or beer, I ran into one of my friends from work. Mitch actually lives right next door so he practically lives at the bar we were at. As we were talking and I was introducing my gaysian to him, some random hippie walked up. Thinking she was a loon, I was ready to dismiss her REAL QUICK!!! Apparently Mitch knew her from the beach and was “kinda” hanging out with her. Being nice to him I pretended to like her even though she was a scary woman who desperately needed a bath and a haircut. After a slight acknowledgment of her, she never left us alone. She followed us around as if we liked her when the entire time we were trying to lose her.

After about 30 minutes, Mikey and I were able to slip away to one of the corners on the deck overlooking the parking lot. Thinking that we finally got away from this whack job, she FOUND US!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Giving up on losing her anytime soon, we stood there enjoying the fresh air and our cocktails as we pretended she weren’t even there. As I was watching people walk down the steps, this old man caught my eye. He was about 6’ 3”, 65 years old, skinnier than a bean pole and had on daisy dukes. As I brought the daisy dukes to everyone’s attention, the hippie leans over the railing pointing at this guy and yells, “NIPPLE EXTENTIONS?? I DON’T SEE ANY NIPPLE EXTENTIONS! WHERE? WHERE? ON THAT GUY??” What the hell was this bitch talking about?!? What would nipple extensions even look like if they even existed??? I then said, “What are you talking about? I said daisy dukes….you know, short shorts?!” She proceeded to scream, “I DON’T SEE THE NIPPLE EXTENTIONS!!!” With people looking at us and thinking we were actually “with” her, we booked it the first chance we got.

Dear God why did this woman think we liked her? It’s probably because we’re that cool that she wanted to hang out with us…HAHA!

What Did You Say?

Jan 4

Posted by Walkerton in My Life, People I Come Across | No Comments

These are some of the most famous quotes I’ve heard in the past 10 minutes……….

“Are you a f*** cracker?” ….. “Uhhhhh, No!! I’m from Delaware.”

“I think her name was August because it`s a state and I can`t remember which one. But I didn`t mean August, I meant Argentina.”

“Does it look I licked your D because it doesn’t look wet to me?!”

“Is your mom here because she didn’t reach down my pants yet….Oh shit….did I say that out loud??? Dude, don’t get pissed!”

Holy Hot Flashes

Dec 27

Posted by Walkerton in My Life | 1 Comment

I think that I suffer from hot flashes worst than most women that are going through menopause. I will be in mid-sentence when all of the sudden I’m having a heat stroke and have sweat running down my back. Now this always happens when it’s that time of the month for most women but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about just sitting back, relaxing and then being overwhelmed with heat that should only be felt in the middle of The Sahara or while sitting on the sun!! I immediately get clam hands, a scalp as sweaty as a ball sack and instant nausea as if I’ve been locked in a sauna for the past week and a half.

Someone just tell me if there is medication for something like this or is sticking my head in the freezer or pretending I need more beer to stock at work so I can stand in the large walk-in cooler the only way to address the situation at hand?!? OMG but I think I’m being attacked by hotness RIGHT NOW……..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! HELPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Tags:

Merry Christmas

Dec 25

Posted by Walkerton in My Life, work | No Comments

I just want to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone!! While you are sitting around the tree, opening your gifts, stuffing your face and getting drunk off Soco and eggnog, I will be at work either bored as hell or having my ass handed to me. If any of you would like to join me please do so but we will be having a blast at City with or without you!!

I Repeat, You Are NOT A Volcano!

Dec 18

Posted by Walkerton in Cousin Love, My Life | No Comments

My cousin is apparently confused with what she is but FYI COUSIN…..you are a human being NOT, I repeat NOT A VOLCANO!!!!! I understand that you think that hot lava is brewing in your belly at times but I think that it is chemically impossible for this to happen within your bodice. The hot lava is in your imagination! You need to calm down and realize that you are taking it a bit far when you make such a bold statement. I’m your cousin and truly believed with all of my heart that you wanted to be a volcano instead of my cousin and I was deeply concerned. You were in a mental state that was indescribable and I must admit that I kept a close eye on you for the 48 hours that followed. I’m just glad to see that you’re finally back to normal.

Now I know that this may seem quite confusing to anyone reading this besides Cara but sometimes I need to let others know some of the inside information that our Cousin Love relationship has been built on.

Tags: ,

Moe’s…Weirdoes Paradise

Dec 14

Posted by Walkerton in Cousin Love, My Life, People I Come Across | 3 Comments

moesI absolutely love Moe’s but I didn’t know that it was the breeding ground for complete weirdoes. My cousin and I went there for lunch and ended up having to put our sunglasses on to keep from giving dumb looks to all the idiots that were in there. There was one girl who apparently got confused on what the difference was between a restaurant and her bedroom because she didn’t order any lunch, sat down in a booth and then kept nodding off and would wake-up right before bashing her head on the table. What the hell was that about?

Then the next wack-job bald and all came walking through the door. First, he was the type of person who liked to talk loud enough on their phone so that everyone could hear his conversation… yeah, YOU ARE A LOSER!!! He kept saying that he was a multi-tasker. What you are capable of multi-tasking?…telling the person on the phone to hold on while you order your food? Good job you A-Hole!!!! Then apparently he was never taught that it’s rude to stare at people while they’re eating. Ummmm, yeah my cousin and I are beautiful but slow your role home slice. Creeping us out isn’t going to get you anywhere except laid out on the ground after a swift sock in your ball sack!! Stop blatantly staring at people because it’s rude. If you’re going to do it, do it like me….wear sunglasses where we CAN’T SEE YOUR EYES STUPID! Also shut your fat mouth while you’re on the phone or go outside….we DON’T CARE what you have to say.

Tags:

Poor Confused Talia

Dec 13

Posted by Walkerton in Cousin Love, My Life | 1 Comment

My poor friend Talia has completely lost her mind…at least on the night of November 24.  After an exhausting 12 hour day of walking through Disney World we ended up at T.G.I. Fridays to get some food since they were the only place open in the area at 1 am. We ate our food and had our fun with our server and his dumb “brother” when it was finally time to head back to the hotel. Starting up the car and ready to pull off I get a texted message from Talia. It read, “I wish I were with there with you guys. I miss you both soooo much!!” OMG…WHAT?!#@?

Cara and I fell out and almost died of laughter!! What the hell was she talking about?! Ummm hello stupid…one, you weren’t even invited (even though it would have been great to have you there) and two, you have never met my cousin in your life so how the hell do you miss her?? HAHAHAHA! As there was more to the text, this was the part that baffled us. Either she was extremely drunk or that text was meant for someone else. She’s never mentioned it since but we thank her for one of the BEST laughs we’ve ever had in our ENTIRE LIVES!!! LOL

Tags: ,

You’re NOT the Easter Bunny, You’re A Grown Man

Dec 11

Posted by Walkerton in Cousin Love, My Life, People I Come Across | No Comments

I’ve been really busy since going back to my normal life after the Cousin Love Extravaganza 2009 but I still have a bunch of stories about the idiots I encountered during my vacation. There was one guy that we were subjected to for about 30 minutes against our will. It took one look at each other to know that this guy had to be immediately added to our prayer list. Now I have nothing against fruitcakes because a lot of them our on my besties list but this one guy had too much sugar in his tank even for me. He was with his little girl and his wife as I assume their wedding rings were a representation of their marriage and not marriages to other people (his to another guy). This guy was hopping around like the frickin’ Easter Bunny or as if he were auditioning to be one of the Disney characters for the following year singing “It’s a Small World After All” in a voice that was more girlie than Shirley Temple’s.  I know everyone is excited when their in the presence of Mickey’s homeland but Dear God get a grip you she acting man.

He didn’t just sing it once or twice but for the full 30 minutes it took us to get through the line and onto the ride. This guy made me cringe and at the time the only thing I could imagine doing was lodging my cousin’s chocolate-covered banana down his throat to shut his ass up!! If he continues playing the woman‘s role in his marriage, his daughter is going to be very confused by the time she reaches 8-9 years of age. He’s better off just coming out of the closet already.  If I were his wife I would be way to embarrassed to be seen in public with him…even in a place like Disney World!!!!!

Tags: ,

Steve Sucks

Dec 9

Posted by Walkerton in My Life | 1 Comment

I KICKED STEVE’S ASS IN POOL TONIGHT…….BIOTTCCHHHHHHHH!!!!

Tags:

Ummmm…Noooo Cousin, Your Eyes Are NOT Open

Dec 3

Posted by Walkerton in Cousin Love, My Life | 3 Comments

No one really likes to wake up in the morning but I think it’s a little bit easier when you have somewhere exciting that you have to be! Well my cousin came down for Cousin Love Extravaganza 2009 and we had planned out her entire trip so we could get in as many things as possible.

Last Tuesday we planned to get up at 6:30am and be on the road by 8am to head for Orlando. My alarm goes off but I don’t get up until 6:40am. I go directly into Cara’s room to wake her up with a little song and dance. As I’m singing in the most beautiful, breath-taking voice, “Wake-up cousin wake-up! It’s time to get up so wake-up” that went along with the hottest choreography in all of 2009; my cousin apparently thought she was going to trick me into thinking she was awake in the middle of my performance. She thought if she simply raised her stupid eyebrows and gave me a half-ass smile, it would magically make it look as if her eyes were really open. “Ummmmmmm….helloooooooooo cousin!! I CAN SEET THAT YOUR EYES ARE NOT OPEN!!!!” is what I tried telling her as she insisted that they were.  She then gave me an even bigger and dumber smile thinking she had me fooled this time. At this point I truly believe that she thought in your obviously nonfunctioning brain that there was no way I could know that they were really closed. She swears that one of her eyes was slightly open as a result of lifting your eyebrows to the back of her head and was able to see part of my performance but I don’t know if I believe that nonsense.

The extent of her “waking up” consisted of her pulling her arms out from under the covers and readjusting her fat head on her pillow. Next time I’m going to have to Scotch tape her eyelids open and pour hot acid onto her body to really get her moving.

Tags:

The Looker-Watcher Woman

Dec 2

Posted by Cumberbun in Cousin Love, My Life | 2 Comments

Blank StareI have never in my life met another human being  who is so easily distracted by and interested in other peoples outfits, hairdos, mannerisms, and just anything in general. If you are interested in having a heart to heart or actual conversation with Amy, than my suggestion to you is to not take her out of the small confinement of your home, bedroom or bomb shelter….with no TV on, the blinds must be shut and maybe even consider removing all photographs from your walls, coffee tables and entertainment centers. She enters some sort of “zone” where she is in a comatose state of mind, she cannot speak, breathe, move or even blink. There is no expression on her face, she loses all functions of her body and sometimes she even drools. The only possible way of getting her back to the real world and out of Amy Looker-Watcher Land is by pimp-slapping her half way across the room and maybe if it’s really extreme, pouring hot acid on her.  I can’t even tell you how many times I was mid-breath, mid-sentence or mid-story that I would have to stop and quiz her on what I was just talking about…because Jessie Spano walked by with a 1986 bouffant that would make The Flock of Seagulls embarrassed or puff-a-lump strolled past in a mini skirt & halter top that showed every crease and crevice of her bodice. I just hope and pray that there is some sort of rehab or meetings for people with this problem.

Tags:

Amputation Idiodiation Amputation Ready Begin…Cut Your Foot Off

Dec 1

Posted by Cumberbun in Cousin Love, My Life | 3 Comments

Vascular SurgeonSo am I extremely sarcastic. I exaggerate every situation & story I tell because honestly, I think it makes things even funnier that way. I say off the wall, ridiculous things that would make even the best comedians belly laugh. I’m not going to lie; some may say I’m a comedic genius hahaha. Something that my cousin has known about me for 26 years now!!!  If I have a headache, I will say that it’s so bad that I want to decapitate myself. If my back hurts, I tell people I have spina bifida. If my tooth hurts, I say that I’m going to give myself a root canal. Ok, so I think you get the point.

The other night, Amy and I went to dinner at a Friday’s in Orlando right after a 12 hour day at Disney World (where we met a disco dancing waiter on Ecstasy and I think my cousin may have experimented with heroin haha (joking) …but we’ll save that story for another time) and my heels hurt so bad that I sarcastically said “OMG cousin, my feet hurt so bad I think I’m going to amputate them”….and as serious as a heart attack, she looked back at me, with a very concerned look and said “Cousin sometimes I don’t know if you’re being realistic!!!” LOL!!!! Did she really just say that??? I was cracking up! Did my confused cousin honestly believe that right then & there I was going to pull out an axe or saw and chop my aching feet off???!  That in 2 minutes I had become a vascular surgeon and really knew how to safely amputate my limbs???!!! I’m hoping she was delusional from sun poisoning, physical exhaustion and starvation. That is what I am at least going to tell myself. Awwww the poor thing!!! No matter what, my cousin was definitely added to my prayer list that night and was immediately put to bed when we got back to the hotel room!

Tags: